First, the idea of "no means no" does not seem to take into account all those who cannot say "no". The reasons for the impossibility of refusal can be completely different: speech disorders, disability, mental illness, intoxication, addiction, the presence of threats or other motives to comply, trauma, fear and stupor.

Secondly, this approach implies that if two people are left alone, then sex is assumed-if no "no"was said. That is, if a woman is numb, looks at the ceiling and does not say anything, then the man did not violate anything and having sex with a frozen silent body is normal, "because she did not refuse." This approach does not take into account the reality of how sexual trauma works.

Here we are faced with another level of complexity: a woman can be passive in bed for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are related to reluctance. Gradually, the imposed norms are becoming a thing of the past, according to which a "decent girl" should not show active desire, she should be conquered, but women who are simply shy do not feel relaxed, but at the same time do not mind intimacy. There are also many people who are made quiet and silent not by constraint, but by fantasy or play. To stand still and trust a man, allowing him to awaken desire through gradual touches, to immerse himself in sensations, without being distracted by the image of Spanish passions and moans — is an incredibly sweet experience. And the woman at this moment is not written-she now closed her eyes and froze from fear or from anticipation.

In addition, the instinctive and unconscious flirting programs are designed so that women give as vague and ambiguous signals as possible, and men are programmed to perceive them more optimistically than they are. And this further expands the gray area. Evolutionary programs for finding a partner make women more "selective", forcing men to show their resourcefulness and fitness through courtship, care, and attempts to achieve it.

And so far, we have only the good old-fashioned mindfulness, empathy, and willingness to accept that any relationship is a bit of a risk. I have not come up with any magic pill that helps to clearly and for everyone to separate "yes" from "no". And you?