The recognition of our own mistakes, delusions or misdemeanors is difficult for almost all of us. And it often happens like this: in the depths of your soul you realize that you did something wrong, but you begin to insist on your rightness with a vengeance, desperately trying to convince not only others, but also yourself.

The idea is firmly fixed in the conscious and unconscious: mistakes and misdemeanors are not a natural phenomenon, but something that should not be. Or, at the very least, a mistake can only happen once, and we are supposed to "learn lessons" and never repeat it again. If other people find out that you were wrong or, even worse, consciously committed something condemned – you will experience shame, feel that you are not good enough to be accepted and forgiven.

Shame increases if, in response to the admission of a mistake, either punishment follows – instead of an offer to think about correcting the consequences, if there are any – or a malicious dance on the bones in the style of "well, I told you so!". Both of these reactions or the expectation of such reactions can completely block the possibility of admitting mistakes or guilt. They launch a powerful process of self-justification that protects the remnants of our self-esteem.

That is why it is so insanely difficult to establish a reconciliation process, whether it is between partners, parents and children, or nations.
Often, fears of such a reaction are exaggerated.

For example, parents try to defend their infallibility with the same tenacity in front of their children. Especially when children grow up and ask them: "Dad, Mom, why did you treat us like this?" The more we insist that we are not mistaken, the fewer options are left for the opposite side – to feel stupid and worthless next to such infallible people or to experience impotent rage.

We sacrifice relationships and trust in order to avoid meeting with the shame that arises when we come into contact with the fundamental property of the human soul – its imperfection.

As a result, there is a dead end, the impossibility of developing relations, because any relationship can develop only through the recognition of each other's vulnerability and imperfection. There is no development in an ideal, infallible one.

There is one general principle of getting out of such a deadlock – this is the recognition of the pain that our mistakes cause to others and to ourselves. Not to insist on your rightness, not to be angry and not to defend yourself – but to turn to pain. If I, having stepped on the throat of my own desire to justify myself, say that I see the experiences of another person and that it is hard for me myself from my mistake / my actions, then the relationship has a chance. But only if the other side is able to resist and does not hit me in the sore spot.