My Dearest Anna,
Bravo! You have summed up how deep some of the sadness of not having a good relation can be, but I wish to point something out to you, if you please. By the way, this is Cody, you know very well who I am. You've written me countless letters and not received a single word from me in return. I ask you to forgive me for this, but let me address what I was going to say. Sometimes the well goes deeper than obvious sadness, dear Anna. If you had been beaten and abused in your last relationship, as I was, and even though you make your way out of it, it doesn't mean that you'll actively feel hostile or anything to someone new. The fact is it may take a person a great deal of time to feel anything for someone again, because of the past experience. I have been divorced for 11 years, and stayed to myself everyday of those 11 years. My last wife had no love or respect for anyone but herself, and barely her own children. I was made to stay in my own house like a prisoner while she went and was able to enjoy going to work and seeing whoever she wanted, as well as sleeping with whatever man she wanted. How do I know this? It's a long, angry story, my dear, one that still causes me great pain and anger. So I ask that we not discuss it, not here. But allow me to sum it up for you: When the love of your life cheats on you, and you accidentally discover it, it does something to you, it makes some part of you shut down, not act quite right like you did before. You tend to not love the same way you used to, I know this, it hurt me a great deal, and a large part of me still hurts from what happened, all those years ago. So as a person, I stay on my own side of the street, and the rest of the world has the other side of it, and they're quite happy. They are all in color with happiness and living, while I am in black and white with my feelings, which I no longer trust, my feelings become closed up and careful toward others, especially women. I keep myself away from the sun and feeling what love used to mean and feel to me, almost as a vampire, but without a coffin. My feelings are laid out to bare in front of everyone, and they either laugh and enjoy their cruelty to me as if I never mattered, or they don't react at all, because I was never worth the time or attention. Please do not think I am undermining what you're saying, Anna, I'm not, I promise. I'm only laying my own story out to be judged by you, and whoever else shall judge me. I am only sorry that so many already have, and it has not been reassuring. I ask you to forgive any vanity or harshness on my part. I ask you to accept a broken man, and a broken heart.
Your Cody