Then how to build a relationship? Think only about yourself? Total immersion or one hundred percent isolation?
There is another view — interdependent relationships. Their principle is simple: "If I start falling, you will hold me. And at the same time, you give me the space and support to decide to jump."

Relationships as a five-part system
In any relationship there are five terms: 1) you; 2) your partner; 3) your views and interests that the partner shares; 4) the views and interests of the partner that you share; 5) everything that appears as a result of the fact that you are a couple. The balance is created differently in different pairs.



"I" is your interests, views and goals. "You" — the interests, views and goals of the partner. "We" is something that didn't exist until you met each other. It's like a culture created by you and your partner: jokes that are understandable only to both of you, tasks that each of you performs, a common home or business.



Try to determine what your relationship consists of. Draw a similar diagram. Most likely, you will find a "shortage" somewhere. Perhaps you are used to forgetting about your interests and there are too few points in your "I". It's not a big deal. Just admit that in this part of the relationship you will have to make extra efforts.

"Protest Polka"
Most couples in a relationship have a predictable pattern of behavior. For example, "protest polka".

This pattern resembles a dance: one partner approaches the other, the second, on the contrary, moves away. One focuses on the question, and the second leaves the discussion. The goal of the stalker is to establish a deeper relationship with the partner, and the goal of the fugitive is to protect himself (and the relationship) from pain and conflict.


This, of course, is not a Polka. But also something about relationships. A source

The pursuer feels as if he is not seen or heard. He wants to establish a deep connection with a partner. The fugitive thinks that he is poorly armed to cope with the conflict. As a result, everyone has a need to protect themselves.

Is there a way to stop this dance? There is. Elizabeth Earnshaw talks about him in her book. And also about other patterns that can be changed.

Love in the foreground
In the past, relationships were created to have children, solve financial problems, or for religious reasons. Now people strive to ensure that feelings and emotions play the main role in the life of a couple. So that each partner can find both support and an opportunity for personal growth in such a relationship.

That's why the old rules stopped working. The world has become more complicated — with its rhythm and possibilities. And people wanted to be happy in relationships and in marriage.
This book will be useful both for those who have been married for 40 years, and for those who are looking for a partner. Here's what's under the cover:

Is intimacy sex? No, it's secrets, news and prayers
No one in a relationship is always right. What?!
Sensitivity is the basis of the relationship
Soft, hard, optimal. 3 Ways to Start a Difficult Conversation
Merging is one of the forms of losing your "I"
"Why didn't I notice this from the very beginning?"
... and lots and lots of exercises for couples who want to develop vital relationship skills.

"Love is not laid before you like a stone. It needs to be created. Like bread, it should be baked every day so that it is always fresh," Ursula Le Guin once wrote. This is work — and difficult work. But the effort is worth the result.