The "three pillars" should be visible in all aspects:

— I respect myself, show sensitivity to myself and create an atmosphere of reliability for myself;
— I respect my partner, show sensitivity to him and create an atmosphere of reliability for him;
— the partner respects himself, shows sensitivity to himself and creates an atmosphere of reliability for himself;
— the partner respects me, shows me sensitivity and creates an atmosphere of reliability for me.

Let's look at each of these elements in more detail.

Respect
Respect is such an approach, the essence of which can be expressed in the phrase: "I appreciate you." Our respect for a person means that we are disposed to him, we show goodwill. We have a very good opinion of him, we highly appreciate him. We recognize the boundaries of his personal space. We talk without trying to exert pressure, and we believe that the thoughts, points of view and feelings of this person matter.

Disrespect is expressed in the fact that we belittle the importance of a person, demonstrate neglect and a critical attitude.
Sometimes we can behave as if we are the only authority in this situation. We forget that this person is a person, just like ourselves, with our own feelings, needs, views, opinions

A couple in which there is no such aspect as respect loses a lot, because both partners suffer. In the worst case, lack of respect leads to abusive relationships.

Example
Bini works at home and takes care of the children, while Sandra works outside the home and takes care of the financial well-being of the family. Recently, Sandra began to come home from work later and later. Because of this, the family had to change the process of preparing for bed, and all this could not but affect Beanie's ability to devote a certain amount of time to herself. Bini wants to be a good partner, so he fully understands that Sandra needs to stay at work. In addition, Bini takes care of children, which indicates his reliability as a partner, and respects Sandra very much. Nevertheless, every time Bini decides to keep silent about the fact that the things he has to do late at night have a bad effect on his well-being, he thus does not treat himself with understanding. Not having established the boundaries of personal space, Bini lost the ability to take care of himself. Over time, he will begin to show irritability. So, regardless of how much trust, reliability and respect Bini brings to her attitude towards Sandra or Sandra to her attitude towards Bini, their couple will not be happy until Bini begins to show respect for herself.

Introspection
Write about some situation in which you felt that your partner was showing you respect. By what signs did you understand this?
Write about some situation in which you felt that your partner did not respect you. How did you understand that? Can you remember the circumstances in which you yourself did not show respect to your partner?
Promise yourself to consciously show respect for yourself and others throughout the day. Pay attention to how you will feel at the same time. How do people react to this? How does your show of respect for others affect your day?

Sensitivity
Relationships develop extremely successfully if they have such an aspect as sensitivity, responsiveness, and die if neglect appears. The ability to be sensitive to the needs of a partner, his personal boundaries, feelings and thoughts is one of the most important skills that help create good relationships. Sensitivity is the basis of the correct relationship between people.

We need to know that when we feel bad, our partner will understand this and will want to support us, and when we are happy about something, he will join us, be in a good mood and inspire us. We need to know that the partner understands where our personal boundaries are and behaves accordingly. We hope that the partner will hear us when we express our thoughts and will show a certain amount of attention and curiosity.

Our task is to recognize the validity of the partner's needs, feelings, thoughts and learn to respond to them with empathy and interest.

You can develop skills that will help you tune in to a sensitive attitude towards your partner, but in order to fully master this art, you need to pay special attention to the partner's personality and what he needs at this particular moment. In addition, in order to be sensitive, one should notice both a positive emotional state (for example, pride, inspiration, joy) and an unpleasant one (sadness, dejection, anger).

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, described sensitivity using the concept of "turning to face a person."
Example
Consider the relationship between Bella and Terik. They dated for six years. During the consultation, Bella begins to talk about how she misses the romantic moments that were once present in her relationship with her husband.

"I just love romance," she explains. — I would be over the moon with happiness if, when I came home, I saw leaves pasted all over the house with words written in Terik's hand about everything he loves me for, and if these leaves led to the bedroom, where the bed would be dotted with rose petals.

—Ha-ha! — Terik reacts. "I'm not like that, and you've always known that. Listening to all this is just ridiculous.

Terik's answer is a classic example of how you can act against a partner (by showing disdain). A woman shares her thoughts about what she dreams about, but a man does not accept them and says: "It's just a dream." Even worse: he hints that the dream is stupid.

I interrupt Terik and ask him to try again:

— Remember, we discussed that you can turn to face your partner? Let's try to do it.

— Yes, you're right. Sorry. I shouldn't devalue your dreams. I can hear you, Bella. I know how much you love romance, and I well understand how much its manifestations would mean to you.

This answer of Terik is a perfect example of how a person turned to face his partner (showing sensitivity), while not abandoning his true self. And if Tarik, knowing that he does not like romance, said: "Of course! I will create a romantic setting every day for the rest of my life!"— it would be a rejection of his own individuality. However, the man chose an option in which the significance of Bella's feelings was recognized and at the same time his personal preferences were taken into account. This creates conditions for an open and friendly dialogue.

Sensitivity is attention
This is the result that sensitivity usually leads to: when its manifestations arise, we have a desire to become more sensitive and flexible in communicating with a partner. Such sensitivity allows you to improve relationships and create the ground for positive feedback.

We also should not ignore the real needs of the partner. It is extremely important how exactly we respond to physical needs (for example, "I need to sleep" or "I'm thirsty," etc.) and to needs related to personal boundaries ("I can't spend time with that person: he treated me badly in the past"). If there is obvious neglect in such cases, we risk losing our relationship.

In most cases, sensitivity can manifest itself in the mundane circumstances of everyday life. For example, when you take your partner's hand if he holds it out to you; or ask how he is doing if he takes a deep breath; or pay attention to what he tells you.

Introspection
Write about any one situation in which your partner has fully shown sensitivity to your moral state or needs.

How did you feel about it?
What exactly did you regard in your partner's behavior as a manifestation of sensitivity?
Now write about the circumstances in which the partner showed neglect to you.

How has this affected your state of mind?
How did you understand that there are signs of neglect in the partner's behavior?
During the week, choose a day when you will pay attention to the manifestations of sensitivity in your relationship. Notice how many times you "turn your face" to your partner (that is, react), how many times you "turn away" (ignore) and how often you speak out against your partner (react sharply negatively to his words). Set a goal to meet your partner more often.

Reliability
Reliability is the cornerstone of trust and willingness to fulfill the obligations assumed. We can say about ourselves that we are able to keep our word and we can be trusted, but whether it is true or not, our actions will show.

Due to reliability, an atmosphere of security appears in the relationship.
If you cannot be sure that your partner will keep his word, or do not understand whether he is interested in a relationship, then it will be very difficult to create a real sense of reliability in your couple. And without this, sincere trust cannot exist.

Reliability can be developed through active communication. This does not mean that the partner should be ready to answer your questions at any time of the day. We just need to make sure that conversations become regular. And when, for example, something displeases you, there will be no need to doubt your prudence - instead, you can just talk and find out what went wrong.

Reliability, among other things, is expressed in such an aspect of behavior as stability.

Do you find your partner's behavior predictable in normal everyday circumstances?
Or are you always afraid that he will do something unexpected?
Can you be sure that tomorrow your partner will treat you the same as today?
Are you ready to rely on him in creating everything that will relate to the culture of your couple?
Does the partner have a desire to fill life with some kind of joint rituals?
Do you spend weekends together, do you celebrate anniversaries and other holidays?
And of course, you need to check yourself: are you reliable as a partner? Are you able to stick to what is important to you, without forgetting the promises made to your partner? When we, trying not to aggravate anything, stop being true to ourselves, over time it can end up with emotional exhaustion and bouts of irritability for us.

Introspection
Write about a situation in which your partner has done something for you.
Write about a situation in which you did not feel that you could rely on a partner.
Then write down in which aspects of your daily life you can trust your partner.
And finally, analyze how reliability manifests itself in your relationship. To do this, reflect on the following questions: can I trust my partner in everything that concerns our attraction? Or spending time together? Or our obligations to each other? Or a sense of security?

Add some other component of your relationship in which it is important for you to feel the atmosphere of reliability.

***
The "three pillars of relationships" can make themselves felt in many aspects. Try to perceive the terms of these "three pillars" in your relationship consciously. Notice exactly how you show respect, sensitivity and trust in yourself and your partner. If you understand that you personally have shortcomings in something, then work on their elimination. If your partner is doing something wrong, then you can try to talk about how important it is for you to feel these "three pillars".