What is withholding

This concept is one of the names of silence in a relationship. In psychology, it is used to describe the type of emotional abuse associated with the silence of one of the partners.

This can be compared to the manipulation of guilt. When one partner prefers to remain silent or simply transfer the conversation to another topic, the other is forced to guess where he was at fault and made a mistake. Because of this, the second person experiences stress, irritation, and if this happens systematically, it affects self-esteem, a sense of belonging and significance. He unsuccessfully tries to find the reason for the silence, and the second half does not help in this, preferring to remain silent instead of saying everything directly or at least giving a hint. At some point, a person begins to feel like a fish banging his head on the ice in an attempt to get his partner to talk.

Worst of all, this type of violence outwardly looks like an ordinary spat that does not pose a serious threat to the relationship, because no one raises their voice or threatens. The main tension does not hang in the air, as is usually the case with a loud quarrel, but arises in the head of a partner who is faced with silence.

Why do people prefer to remain silent rather than solve the problem through dialogue? There are several possible reasons.

• An alternative to aggression - some believe that it will be much better for a relationship if they keep silent than scream, blame the partner for all sins, break dishes and leave the room slamming the door. In some situations, silence is used as a lifeline, which helps to survive a tense moment, so that later they can talk calmly, without mutual claims. But if the silence lasts too long, it only brings harm: one person restrains his emotions, not daring to express everything, and the other tries unsuccessfully to figure out the reasons for the silence.
• Avoidance - Another way to avoid conflict is to pretend that nothing happened. But if in the previous paragraph the partners still plan to resume the conversation when emotions subside, then here they want to forget about the conflict itself and its cause forever. Well, if both people adhere to this position. But if one wants to forget about everything, and the other wants to discuss, this can lead to a new misunderstanding.
• Punishment - "I'm not talking to you" - how often we heard this phrase in childhood. It immediately became painful, sad and anxious, because it was not clear how long this boycott would last. And the worst thing is when we admit that we can do this to us, and carry this habit into adulthood. However, silence designed to make someone "think about their behavior" usually leads to very different results. A person who is faced with silence in response to his questions feels acute loneliness.
• Inability to express feelings - when a person himself cannot figure out what he feels, or does not know how to competently express his emotions, silence becomes a way to show the other half that he is upset about something.

Silence can last for hours, days or even weeks. As for the effect produced, it will depend on the type of attachment and the emotional stability of the partners. For example, if a person is characterized by weak personal boundaries and an anxious state, he will worry and look for the reason for withholding, as well as constantly apologize (even if he is not guilty of anything), trying to return the old relationship. But a person prone to withdrawal, on the contrary, will close emotionally and will be silent in response, taking the position “if you don’t need it, then neither do I.” Alas, none of these scenarios will lead to positive results. Moreover, they will further aggravate the conflict and hinder the healthy development of the relationship.

How to deal with withholding?

The silence of a partner makes us mentally return to childhood and again feel like a small child who feels guilty and confused, not knowing which way to approach his parents. Such a state is caused by the fact that we cannot independently explain the reason for such dismissive behavior. The only thing in our power is to speculate, but sometimes they cause even more pain. How to get out of this situation?

• Call a spade a spade - it is important to still get in touch with a partner. Tell him directly how you feel. You can use the phrase: “I noticed that you withdrew into yourself and did not want to talk to me. What's the matter?" The longer you are silent, the more difficult it is to find the root cause of the conflict later.
• Use "I-statements" - when you are hurt and offended by the behavior of a partner, it is easy to slip into accusations, but this tactic will only increase the conflict. It is better to talk about what is happening, shifting the focus to your feelings. Say frankly that you are hurt and unpleasant by the silence of the second half, that you are worried about this and draw scary pictures in your head. Offer to discuss how this problem can be solved.
• Acknowledge the other's feelings - your partner may be playing the silent game because he thinks you don't take his feelings into account. Show him it's not. Explain that you are open to dialogue and listen with empathy.
• Apologize - if you understand that during the conversation you offended your partner with your words and actions, because of which he closed himself from you, ask for forgiveness. Silence is an unhealthy tactic, especially if no one wants to admit their guilt.
• Give your partner time - when you see that your partner is too angry and tries to use silence as an alternative to aggression, let him do it. Take a short timeout, cool down, and only then return to discussing the problem. It’s good if in the future you learn to negotiate such pauses - this will save you from many negative consequences.

What if I want to be silent too?

This is a completely normal and understandable desire. But play silent only if you realize that continuing the conversation threatens with a serious conflict. And even in this situation, explain your behavior: "I'm angry now, let's talk about it a little later," but be sure to keep the promise.

Remember that your partner can't read your mind and is unlikely to ever learn how to do it, even if you've been together for 20 years. Without your help, he does not realize what happened and why you ignore him, preferring to remain silent.