There are things that you shouldn't think about for a long time. You need to turn on the heart and turn off the head. Look back, remember what in your life made you truly happy?
It is unlikely that all this was carefully planned. Emotions, feelings - this is not a dish of certain ingredients, not a menu on your wall with breakfast, lunch and dinner - correct, but so predictable and boring.
This is an enchanting dessert, suddenly served by the chef at the moment when you were about to leave, so that you would shine with delight. This is energy.
And forget about the feeling of guilt, they say, what is it for me and how would I not have to pay too much later.
Sudden happiness is not so sudden from the point of view of the universe. It has already been paid for by your good deeds, the unfair deeds towards you of those to whom you gave a piece of your soul, and each of your tears shed in despair.
Just take it and use it. Just enjoy.