Imagine that you are dipping your hand into water that is the same temperature as your body. And you freeze. At some point, you will stop feeling boundaries. Where does skin end and water begin? To feel yourself again, you need to move your hand, says Gestalt therapist Anna Bokova. - It’s the same in relationships: when we freeze, we stop feeling ourselves, each other, our own and other people’s boundaries. But it is at the border that the most interesting thing happens in a pair, there the real contact takes place. And at that moment, two people can really see their similarities and differences. They show themselves to each other for who they are, throw off their masks and stop defending themselves.

Over the long history of mankind, a stereotype of relations has developed: in order to survive, raise offspring, find food, hide from bad weather and dangers, a man and a woman must become one, “blind”. A woman could not take care of a child and get food alone.

Now this will surprise no one. Times have changed. A woman doesn't need a man to survive. Partners do not need to merge into a single entity. Problems in modern couples begin just at the moment when the partners, who yesterday were enchanted looking into each other's eyes, are faced with the fact that they are different, each has its own "I".

“And this is where many people can’t stand it,” explains Anna Bokova. “It’s really scary that someone else is different from you. Then you need to change something, but you don’t want to change - you need everything to be constant, “as before”. There is a great need to maintain stability and certainty. Because in our life there are so many uncertainties, everything is constantly changing. We often fail to maintain the thesis that relationships are continuous recognition of the other. This is definitely not stability and inviolability. To wait for this is to be in illusions.”

Atavism in the form of the traditional family model "We are a single and indivisible whole" is still in use

“People put on wedding rings and start playing the stereotype: money should be in a common pot, no entertainment separately, if we are apart, then they don’t like me and don’t trust me,” says Anna Bokova.

Why is it convenient for us to drive along the usual track? Someone is afraid of loneliness, someone stays for the sake of children, someone because of money, religious reasons, out of fear of breaking family traditions ("In our family, everyone lived happily until old age").

A very small number of couples remain together due to the fact that the partners mutually enrich each other. Therefore, marriage as an institution is dying today, according to Robert and Rita Resnick, family Gestalt therapists (Los Angeles), who proposed a new model of relationships. In their opinion, the couple must go through four stages. But it doesn't happen just once. The whole life of a couple is a spiral from stage to stage.

“I am often approached by couples who are stuck on one of them. Or one of the partners “slips”. Through couples therapy, they learn to move on to the next stage. And most importantly, they recognize each other’s differences and learn to see this as a true resource for development.”

First step: merge. This is the time when partners live and breathe in unison. They are similar and see themselves in others. The very period that is described in fairy tales as "they lived happily ever after." But if fairy tales depicted real life, they would not be very funny. Because in a healthy relationship, the fabulous period - the merger - must inevitably be replaced by the next. Often it is during this period in social networks that partners put a photo of their couple on their profile picture. “As a rule, the “mimimi” stage in a healthy relationship ends by the beginning of the second year of the relationship,” says Anna Bokova.