Answering the question of what love is and why love, it is impossible not to come across some esoteric, religious, mythological reflections on this topic. Quite popular among them is the idea of unconditional love. In practice, I have not yet met her.

For the realization of unconditional love, there is always a certain condition - the person himself, who realizes this “bright idea”. And if a person, as they say, is “everything from himself”, then for a long time such a person simply cannot be enough.

People experience, by and large, 2 needs: to allocate something and absorb something. And if a person always gives, then it is more like the hungry trying to feed the hungry with something that he may not even have anymore. As my colleague said: “If I have a lot of apples, and I give an apple to someone who needs it, this is the norm. And if I have one, and I give it away, this is not the norm. ” In fact, this is the same codependence, covered with an even more plausible motive: not just “love”, but “unconditional love”.

In my experience, the relentless pursuit of unconditional love, rather, does not fill a person, but causes him a lot of suffering, and in addition, makes him passive aggressive (a person does not directly say that he does not like it, but provokes aggression in another, while remaining “clean” himself) ), sometimes hypocritical, and sometimes very manipulative or manipulative (often passively).

Often in such people you can find secondary benefits, hidden arrogance, a thirst for help and love yourself. I am sure that this is not the limit of human maturity.

What is love?
What is mature love and why experience it, why love?

In the theories of love, I rely on the following 2:

Erich Fromm's idea of love and Robert Sternberg's three-component theory of love are quite practical, understandable, taking into account both the lover and the beloved.

One of the leading definitions of love for me is the definition of Erich Fromm: "Love is an active interest in life and the object of love."
Just? Yes. Clear? Yes. At the same time, in his book The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm emphasizes that without self-love, love for others is impossible! And it seems very logical to me: if I cannot take care and show love to myself, then how can I really show love to another?

Roughly speaking, there is no matrix on which the code of manifestation of love is written. And self-love is not equal to selfishness/egocentrism. And even vice versa, selfishness arises as a result of the inability to show love for oneself ... But this, perhaps, is a separate issue. For those who are interested, I can recommend the above book for reading - one of the rare deep books written in a very simple language.

In a word, one of the key thoughts of the book for me, which I bring here:
If there is no me, then there is no person who can experience and show love for another.

The second model I rely on concerns purely erotic love (according to Erich Fromm), love in a couple.
I believe that it is this love that is one of the most burning, as there are usually many difficulties with it (and parental, but they are interconnected). Robert Sternberg's three-component theory of love includes the following components:

Passion is a sexual attraction to an object.
Proximity (intimacy) - a sense of belonging, unity, connectedness, mental and emotional comfort, interest in another.
Commitment - a decision to stay with a partner in the short term and general plans for the future in the long term.
In accordance with the ratio of 3 components, Robert Sternberg identifies 8 types of love:

1. Lack of love (no component presented) characterizes many daily interactions with others.

2. Falling in love (only passion is present): relatively fleeting, without the appearance of intimacy or commitment, it can disappear suddenly.

3. Friendship (only intimacy is present): a feeling of connection and warmth without a feeling of intense passion or long-term commitment.

4. Empty love (only commitment is present) is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion, common in cultures of arranged marriages of convenience.

5. Romantic love (passion + intimacy). Romantic lovers are not only physically turned towards each other, but they are also connected emotionally - but without a supportive commitment. A good example is holiday romances.

6. Friendly love (intimacy + commitment), stronger than friendship due to the element of long-term commitment. It is observed in long marriages, where there is no more passion, but there is a deep attachment and obligation to each other.

7. Fatal love (passion + commitment) is characterized by a stormy beginning of a relationship, passing (often immediately) into marriage. Her omission is that commitment is built on the basis of often unpredictable passion without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.

8. Perfect love (passion + intimacy + commitment) is the complete form of love and is presented as the ideal relationship that people aspire to. According to the author of the theory, these couples continue to have great sex after more than 15 years of relationship, they cannot imagine a happier long-term relationship with someone else, they are able to solve their few difficulties, and everyone enjoys being in a relationship with a partner. Although the author writes that maintaining perfect love can be even more difficult than achieving it.

How do you like this theory? I like it for its simplicity, applicability, clarity, and nowhere does it indicate that the lover is obliged to sacrifice something or someone "in the name of love." I think this is a very important factor.

Also, both theories include the dynamism of love, suggest possible changes, which corresponds to reality - it often changes and forces you to adjust. I believe that the feeling of love is also subject to changes in accordance with the circumstances, personal and, in the end, physiological / physical changes in a person.

And now we turn to the key question of the article: why love?

Why love?
I would like to think that you, the reader, are already ready or almost ready to answer this key question of the article - why do you need love? But before I finally ask this question, I want to note one more thing.

A study was conducted: children who were deprived of physical contact in childhood lagged behind in their psychological and even physical development. I think this is also relevant to the topic of love: without love, a person can survive, but will he develop enough? Pretty sure no.

As a biosocial being, a person needs warm contact, which is usually called a manifestation of love. Thus, for full development, a person needs love (starting from infancy; and then love changes the form and object of love).

Well, you have decided, dear reader, why love you?

Without love, people grow up emotionally traumatized, and then either traumatize themselves in a circle, other people (also traumatized before), their children, or “lick their wounds” for a long time in the offices of psychotherapists. Of course, in order to give Love to another, it is important to have love for yourself as a base.

Therefore, if we talk about the importance of love (mature) - it is very important both for the basic development of the child, and further in the life of a person as a whole.

And what kind of additional meaning do you give to your need for love - this is really your story and responsibility. Even if, for example, we talk about the 3 components indicated above, then each will have a separate component more important than the others.

Brief conclusions
Love is a philosophical concept. "For what?" - the question is also often philosophical. And we get a philosophical philosophy 🙂 But nevertheless, in the article I gave examples of fairly understandable theories of love applicable in life, considered several misconceptions about love, the consequences of the absence of love in the process of human development ...

Did I directly answer the question “why love?” - probably not. As I wanted, I rather reported some important information so that you can draw your own conclusions and decide for yourself how much love you need, why exactly and of what quality.

Regardless of your personal choice, I wish you to find love for yourself ... After all, it all begins with it!