Hello everyone. A special hello to someone special. This year has been slow but also filled with emotion for me. I am not afraid to share any of my feelings, but I have also learned the proper place to share them. At the moment it is here. I felt down this year but I have paid my debts and soon I will have some extra dollars in my pocket.
I want to write letters all the time. I want to spend my time with the one who is worthy of all my love an attention. I wish to give away all my time to my beloved. I want to work my hours of service to pay for her happiness. I want to wait the minutes of each hour of work, thinking about returning to look into her eyes.
I am tired. I am always more vulnerable and honest in my tired moments. I lack the strength to keep up walls and hide behind them when I am this tired. I am compelled to answer questions honestly.
I have been asked if I would consider leaving my home and moving to be with my soulmate.
Of course I considered it before I came here. These days I wish to leave here and go to Ukraine, all the time I think of it. My suggestion then is a meeting here, perhaps this summer. If we can see the magic in our eyes, for ourselves to feel it face to face; then I will go anywhere with you. I don't care where it is or what difficulties I must struggle against for you. I will teach you what you do not know. You will teach me what I do not know. Things we both do not understand, we will learn together.
I have been asked what is my idea of a real woman.
Almost all men and women are fake in the 'real' world. A world filled with fake news, fake clothes, designs with the purpose of hiding truth, fake smiles, fake money printed to its destruction. So fake is our world that no real thing can survive in it. All real things are ground into dust and mixed with alcohol and their essences extracted so the fake world can consume it. Even the few sincere and honest and real people are ground into dust before the compelling and unstoppable fake world. A real woman, wants a real man. She wants to look into my eyes when it really matters. Even when it hurts and life is hard and anger abounds in all places she seeks comfort in my eyes, when she can find shelter from fear and shame and sadness. She wants to tell me everything true and empty her real feelings to me because she has bottled them up to hide them from the fake world. She has enough love to help me struggle for us even in my weakness her love strengthens me.
I have been asked about love.
It is a choice. It is a gift. It destroys fear. It suffers everything bad and does not stop flowing. I also have an unlimited supply but I cannot use it on myself. My love does not fill my own heart and make me satisfied. Instead I can only give it away. I even feel better to waste it, to give it away to the few around me who will take it from me with limited or no appreciation. Love is like that, without jealousy, greed, selfishness; but we are flawed sometimes and yet love forgives.
Now that I am making my own money without a single debt to drain it from me I may be able to reach out and take the next step.
I still remember you, and more I think about you and pray for you all the time. It will take me time to get back on my feet but we can be patient since we have already waited so long. If you want to trade numbers let me know, yes or no. I would rather know this is what we both want before I commit my hard work to you and learn after I spend my time that you are not ready to embrace the unknown with me, that you would say know to sharing time alone.
You asked me if it bothers me to have your letters.
I want them more. I miss them and through this medium I miss you.
I am not a judge but instead my purpose is to help meet your needs and ease the grief of shame and protect you from fear.
Even though I am not a rich man, yet, still I am ready for the unknown and to gamble giving my heart away that my soulmate might be revealed through having a little faith; even at the risk of a broken heart and another well full of tears.
Instead of tears and loneliness, I imagine sunshine and sand and waves and smiles. I think about picnics with fruit and chocolate and hikes and conversations and laughs. I feel hugs during hard times and kisses day and night. Learning new words for old feelings that never get old even after thousands of years and thousands of mates sharing the same words and looks and touches for their beloved.
I felt it since the beginning, but I did not understand what I felt until I fell in love. It is what I was looking for all my life. Now I know what it is.
If you want to get it back from me and give it back to me then let's not waste more time.
Tell me if you want me to take the next step and reach out and open the door for us to meet.
I may not be hero of Russia but I will be happiest if I feel that I am your hero. Maybe there is a job opening for body guard there...
Tell your mother I wish her as happy a mother's day as my mother and more, and she is in my prayers also.
I am visiting my friend's place. I don't have new pictures of myself here. This picture is my father and me when I was around 21 years old.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
God bless.
-Alan