People usually tend to somehow build their boundaries in relationships, especially if they are very close. And we are always in close relationships: either with parents, or with a spouse, or with children, and not infrequently, we are quite strongly attached to friends (whom we cannot always refuse, and this is dependent on them).

“Closely” does not mean near, but means to feel and take to heart. So, in close or “close” relationships, we can feel so strongly that it is simply impossible to notice our own feelings and sensations. If in life you often hear: “What is happening in our relationship? I don’t understand anything”, “why do they treat me like this, did I deserve / deserve it?” or the elementary “... And how did it happen?”, then this is exactly what we are talking about.

So, this result is obtained due to the lack of clearly built boundaries in which we understand where our “I” is located: how I interact with the world, on what grounds and for what I take responsibility, and what I definitely do not agree to.

Borders and the ability to negotiate are one and the same thing. If you realize and feel your needs, desires, then you can agree. How it looks, see below.

Principles for building agreements:

1. The contract must be mutually beneficial, the interests and needs of the parties are taken into account.

2. There are sanctions for violations of the contract by both parties.

This point is especially interesting. Often, parents, trying to negotiate with their children, for example, on cleaning their own room, omit this item. And what happens: “You do a spring cleaning of the room every Wednesday. By such behavior you show your independence and responsibility, then I trust you more and you can walk in the evening for an hour longer. And if on Wednesday, for some reason, cleaning is missed, then in the evening you don’t go for a walk for a week.

This is the one-sidedness and one-sidedness of the treaty. Often the sanctions for parents are simply ignored. What will happen if the teenager does not take a walk with friends, he just had to visit his grandmother or go to the country. What do parents pay then? Here, the adolescent develops a sense of the unfairness of the contract, which one wants to violate. After all, no one likes to be hurt.

Further…

3. The contract must be realistic: the conditions and requirements must be realistically achievable.

4. The parties must be ready to fulfill their obligations.

5. Agreements should be flexible, if they are not respected, analyze why this happens: is it agreed about, is what was agreed upon really important to both parties? Whether the parties have the same understanding of the subject matter of the contract.

It is important to remember and comply with all points, based on mutual respect and patience.





*This behavior has both a scientific basis and a name - "Merge". As a mechanism for interrupting contact or simply, the inability to satisfy one's own needs due to a lack of clarity in the process of interaction. As a result, we satisfy the general needs or only the needs of the person with whom we “merge”.