We all have our lists of what we want to see in another individual. Sometimes these lists are rather general such as being interested in someone who is kind, sensitive, successful or loyal. People whose lists have a lot of generalities are more apt to let their experiences tell them if they are with the right person. But, many other people have lists that are brutally specific and, actually, downright demanding, and they will never have any experiences with you if your answers don't satisfy them.

I have met men who "needed" to find a woman with a certain cup size, height, hair color, age or weight. Correspondingly, I've met women who were quite specific of wanting a man who owned a home in certain neighborhoods, drove a luxury automobile, could lavish them with gifts, trips and shopping sprees, had his own hair, and was a stylish dresser. These people walk away a lot faster when some of their "must haves" are quickly found to be absent.

Actually, and fortunately, most of us are blends of the two. We all have some hard, fast prerequisites, while at the same time leaving ourselves open to how we might feel about someone after having some personal experiences with them.

I've never had a problem with people consciously thinking out what they might want or not want in a partner. I respect those who have given this serious thought, and really know what they want. On a healthy, reasonable basis this saves everyone time and needless effort. But, unfortunately, when some of these list items become more like a demand than a wish, when the "bar" is set, perhaps, unreasonably high, there is a greater chance for disappointment and frustration for everyone.

I've met many people who have stories about being qualified hard and fast. Most people don't like it, even the ones who are doing it to others. Awhile back I dated a woman a few times in one week. We really seemed to hit it off during our first date, but I couldn't help but notice, although she was quite sweet and complimentary, that her questions were rather pointed and specific. And, if she got somewhat of a general answer, she would probe harder and be more direct. By the third date I was becoming increasingly annoyed with her approach which seemed to be accelerating with the more time I spent with her. I got the impression that she wanted to wrap up her findings before she started developing more serious feelings, because she became even blunter with her questions, regardless how they sounded.

She wanted to know, if we married, whether I would expect her to clean, cook, or work. She wanted to know how much of a monthly allowance she might expect from me. She was eager to pin me down on how many five star trips we would take each year. Let me remind you that all of this took place on three dates over five days!

Finally, I reached a point where I could not tolerate her behavior any more. I never had a problem with her knowing the answer to these and other questions, but not during the first week of our acquaintance. Instead of progressively and comfortably getting to know each other in a relaxed natural manner, I felt like I was being interviewed for a job. Not only did I feel that her aggressive line of questioning was inappropriate for the limited time that we had known each other, but I thought that her questioning was more like an interrogation. There were far better, more diplomatic and reasonable ways to find out the same information at any time.

Sometimes in life we don't pre-plan our actions. Sometimes we instinctively respond, irrespective of the outcome, or the consequences. This was one of those moments. I looked her directly in the eyes, and softly, but firmly asked her, "By the way, what is it that you think that you bring to this relationship?"

It was like I had hit her hard between the eyes. She seemed shocked, and thrown off balance. She kind of stuttered out a response, I, I, I'm sweet, and pretty and, and loving. Without any hesitation, I reminded her of her critique to some of my generalized answers the night before. I said to her that she assuredly believed that what was good for the goose was good for the gander. Right? Without waiting for a response, I asked her to be more specific in regards to what she meant by sweet and loving. Actually, I further asked her to articulate what she thought that behavior would look like and mean to me. It didn't take much longer for us both to mutually agree that we just might not be made for each other.

The pity is that this woman had a lot going for her. Not only was she well above average in looks and bearing, she was also intelligent, sophisticated and worldly. We had a lot in common, and the chemistry seemed to be mutual. But, she was determined to make sure that every issue on her very extensive list was answered to her satisfaction as soon as possible. Earlier in our conversation she had admitted that her friends saw a few flaws in her. When I asked her what they might be, she answered that they thought that she was too demanding and had unreasonable expectations. It was nice to know that at least she was being consistent!

The problem with overly demanding and unreasonable people is that they rarely if ever walk in someone else's shoes. Many of us have gone through mid-life and other crises. We've ultimately made some assessments of ourselves and our lives that we wouldn't have made years ago (We should constantly be doing this). We tend to be more honest, humble and self effacing. We know that we will probably never look as good as we once did. We know that some opportunities in life may never present themselves again. Lifestyles may have been adjusted or modified, choices may have been narrowed, and options may have been greatly reduced. Sober, insightful people get it. They know that they need to be more realistic now and make alterations in their thinking, so that the remainder of their years will be as fruitful and satisfying as possible. But, a lot of people still don't accept this.

Some women think that they are more beautiful and sensual than ever. Some men think that because they have acquired substantial wealth that they might be desirable on that merit alone. Those that go down this path never see themselves as realistically as most others do. They have a heightened and exaggerated value of their worth and importance, and thus, in their own minds, are entitled to have just about any criteria met on their list. By being almost totally outer directed they never grasp that the other individual has just as much right and need to learn what the demanding list-maker can also bring to the relationship, hopefully in a more respectful manner.

Perhaps, we would all be better served if we periodically took stock of ourselves. In so doing, especially if we can be really honest with ourselves, we might see the wisdom in not only refreshing our lists regularly, but in letting real life experiences become an integral part of our evaluation process.