1. Interest in your partner's life
It is important to us not only what unites us with our partner, but also his individual life “pattern” - with achievements and failures. This is possible when we see in another person a separate personality, and not our continuation or “mirror”. Then we are able to be sincerely interested in what is happening with him - without instructions, criticism and envy.

2. Basic trust
We are honest with our partner, including admitting mistakes, openly discussing conflict or “uncomfortable” emotions, and are ready to make concessions. This is a mutual process, and it is only possible in a safe space. By building it gradually, by showing each other that we are both flawed people and sometimes make mistakes, we help basic trust grow.

3. The ability to forgive
Admitting a mistake and apologizing when words or actions hurt your partner is not easy. When we ask for forgiveness, we have to admit that we were somehow worse than we imagined. This requires some uncomfortable inner work and a frank admission that “I may be wrong.” But difficult work is also done by the one who forgives: for this you need to be able to emotionally understand and accept the other.

4. Gratitude
We are grateful to our partner for loving him. This is possible if you look at love not as something that takes away strength and resources, but as something that gives them. And then, by investing in relationships, investing our energy in another, we ourselves become richer and fuller.

5. Shared Ideals
Our value systems with our partner are close. We share similar ideas about good and evil, about principles and morality - in short, we adhere to common ideals. But at the same time, we may have different views on a specific issue; we don't have to agree on everything. This is how each of us maintains our identity and does not “merge” with our partner into one whole.

6. Mature addiction
It happens that we really want a relationship, but we are afraid of being “absorbed”, losing ourselves, dissolving in our partner. Mature love is, among other things, a deep need for another, and also a recognition of one’s vulnerability and even dependence on him.

During conflicts, mature dependence is tested for strength, and it is thanks to it that we can maintain the connection and not destroy it. Provided that we are ready to forgive and meet halfway, fairly distribute responsibilities in a couple, look for points of common ground, not contradictions. Mature love is a balance between the need for another and one's autonomy.

7. Constancy of sexual passion
Otto Kernberg wrote: “I am sure that sexual passion cannot be equated with a state of ecstasy in adolescence. This is a subtle, deep, self-critical awareness of love for another person, coupled with a clear understanding of the mystery of the other person’s separateness.

A very important aspect of the subjective experience of passion at all levels is going beyond the boundaries of one’s own Self and merging with another. The mature experience of fusion is different from regressive fusion, in which there is no difference between one's self and the other's self. Mature sexual passion is the synchronous experience of connection and at the same time maintaining one's separate identity."

8. The inevitability of losses, jealousy and the need to protect the boundaries of the couple
Mature love is devoid of illusions. We do not expect or demand that our partner will love us in the same way that we love him. After all, we realize that our partner’s feelings are individual and so is the way he shows them. In addition, there is a place for ambivalence in a couple - love and aggression, tenderness and jealousy. And there is a balance between them.

9. Love and sorrow
If a partner leaves or dies, we experience the loss and realize what place the beloved occupied in our life. Only after we carry love through grief and do the work of grief will we be able to accept a new facet of love, including for another partner, without feeling guilty.