For me, support is about stability! It's about our ability to remain steadfast in a changing world, and this includes not only external events but also internal processes (our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions).

Shall we delve into this phenomenon together?

When we are born, we have no inner support; we only have external support—our parents (those who raised us and were directly around us).

When a child feels "bad" (scared, lonely, confused, etc.), they reach out to their parents for safety. A sufficiently good parent can provide this safety. This doesn’t mean doing anything extraordinary—it's just the ability to accept the child's feelings, endure them, and provide feedback on what is happening in life.

It's our parents who help us understand who we are and what the world around us is like. A child learns about themselves this way, understands how the world "relates" to them, and forms their self-worth through the concept of "I’m okay, the world is okay." Self-worth, in my opinion, plays a huge role in forming support systems.

With external support, a child begins to develop inner support. If a parent has taught the child to understand their feelings, recognize their desires, provided enough support, and conveyed that making mistakes is normal and that the child is okay no matter what, then the grown-up adult will have strong inner support.

But support shouldn’t only be internal!

It’s normal to rely on society, work, or a partner, but this support should not be the only one! (If a client has the mindset "I’m not okay, the world is okay," they rely solely on the external world.)

Likewise, it’s impossible to rely only on oneself. We can be as strong as we want, but at some point, we might simply reach our limit (if a client has the mindset "I’m okay, the world is not okay," and tries to rely solely on themselves).

We need balance. And this balance is achieved only when we restore the value of both the world and ourselves.

Okay, but what if a parent was accepting and warm and taught everything, what exactly is inner support? My client recently asked me this question. Together, we came to this conclusion: in simple terms, it's a set of personal qualities, beliefs, and strategies that help a person effectively cope with difficulties. These are our resources, skills, knowledge, and abilities.

I note that this is by no means about high self-esteem (with high self-esteem, a person may not know what support is at all).

Support is the knowledge that I can handle it because I’m smart, I’m strong, I know how to communicate and resolve conflicts, I know how to support myself and be my own parent who loves me no matter what. It’s understanding that you’re okay even when it’s very hard, when it feels like you’re falling apart because the pain is so intense.

If you find it challenging to define your inner supports, take a pen and a piece of paper and try these simple exercises:

1. Write down at least three things you can praise yourself for today, and let them be very simple. Don’t demand super achievements from yourself to pat yourself on the back.

2. List all your strengths. If nothing comes to mind, ask your loved ones to help. Remind yourself of this as often as needed and keep adding to the list.

3. Write down what makes you happy. Specifically you, not someone else around you. And do at least one thing from this list.

4. Notice what makes you unhappy and decide what you want to do about it.

These are some of the simplest exercises that can help you!

P.S. Inner and external supports can and will collapse; this is normal. In this world, it’s rare to achieve permanence. Know that you have countless resources; you just need to learn to see them. ❤️