When I was 20, I lived with the constant feeling that someone was watching me. This invisible judge — society, family, friends — not only assessed me, but also dictated how I should act. I couldn’t laugh out loud, wear certain clothes, or, on the contrary, express my opinion if it went against the accepted one.
Now, looking back, I realize how much of my life was made out of fear. Fear of being judged, of seeming ridiculous or not good enough. It was restricting, forcing me to adapt, to play roles that didn’t suit me.
What has changed? Why did I start to feel freer by the age of 44? I think several factors influenced this. Firstly, the realization of the finiteness of time comes. You understand that you can’t waste your life constantly justifying other people’s expectations.
Secondly, wisdom appears, which allows you to see people and situations differently. I realized that most people around me are preoccupied with themselves and don’t pay any attention to my mistakes or failures. They are afraid of being judged.
And finally, this is an internal dialogue with myself. I learned to ask myself questions: what do I want? What kind of life will be truly mine?
Many people believe that after a certain age, it is no longer worth changing yourself, experimenting or being “too bold”. Women, in particular, are often told that adulthood is a time for calm and compromise. But I feel that now I have the strength and desire to try new things.
For example, before, I would never have gone dancing alone or started learning something that, as it seemed to me, “was not for my age”. But now? Why not?
Being liberated as an adult is not only about your external image, but also about your internal boundaries. It was important for me to learn to say “no” and stop being afraid of being inconvenient.
When you stop trying to please everyone around you, a huge amount of energy is released. I direct this energy toward myself: toward my hobbies, toward communicating with loved ones who accept me as I am.
Now I am discovering new sides of my personality. It’s like meeting a person you’ve long underestimated. Who would have thought that I would like to sing, and in public at that? Or that I would want to go on a trip alone?
Each such step is a challenge to my own fears and complexes. Yes, sometimes it’s scary, but the result is always worth it.
Why is this important?
Liberation allows us to live a full life. Without the constant feeling that you are doing something “wrong”. It teaches you to listen to yourself, trust your desires and not be afraid to be yourself.
I will not claim that I have achieved complete internal liberation. This is a process, and it continues. But I feel that every day I am getting closer to my true self.
Final thoughts
Emancipation in adulthood is not about destroying all boundaries and principles. It is about finding a balance. A balance between society's expectations and your desires. Between the outer and inner world.
At 44, I feel like I am just starting to truly live. And, you know, it is an amazing feeling to allow yourself to be free.