Why do people bottle up their emotions?

There are lots of reasons. Some believe that showing negative emotions will push others away. So they try to keep everything to themselves to be more likable. But the truth is, you can’t please everyone. As Evgeny Demin, the founder of Splat, once said: *The only ones who can be pleasant to everyone are teddy bears in a toy store.*

Others think showing emotions is a sign of weakness. They suppress both positive and negative feelings, thinking it makes them look stronger. But in reality, these people can be hard to work with and talk to. Others might even see them as cold. Real strength isn’t in hiding emotions—it’s in knowing how to manage them well.

There are many reasons people hold in their emotions, but the bottom line is this: it’s risky. Expressing emotion is a basic human need. When we put up a wall and block our feelings, we expose ourselves to unnecessary stress and harm.

What kind of risk are we talking about?

Let’s go back to the two examples at the beginning. In the first case, someone might slip into depression. In the second, bottled-up anger could explode and cause real damage—figuratively or even literally. Think about what happens when you don’t turn off a boiling kettle. And that’s just two emotions being held back. Now imagine what happens when you suppress *everything*.

It’s important to express your emotions—because they help you give feedback to others and improve your relationships. They also help you tune into yourself. Emotions are valuable tools. They’re indicators of unmet (or fulfilled) needs. Based on what we feel, we can understand what we’re missing—or what’s working for us.

For example, anger might signal that your need for respect has been violated, or your sense of fairness was hurt. Sadness might mean something’s gone wrong, and it’s time to reflect and find a new direction in life.

Understanding how emotions relate to our needs is especially helpful when dealing with negative feelings. In those moments, it’s good to ask yourself: *“Why am I angry (or upset, or crying)? What am I really missing?”* This kind of reflection helps you get to know yourself better.

But expressing emotions doesn’t mean dumping them on others without control. The key is to express them *in a healthy way*.

So what does “healthy” mean?

It means being kind to yourself *and* the people around you. For example, if you’re feeling hurt, you might want to cry on a friend’s shoulder—if they’re willing to support you. But if they’re busy or emotionally unavailable, you can still talk it out, even just to yourself. That can be just as helpful.

When it comes to anger, it’s important to let off steam—to express your frustration. But that doesn’t mean yelling, arguing, or throwing things. Instead, try doing a few pushups or other physical activities to release that tension in a safe way—without hurting yourself or others.

You can also turn your emotions into constructive feedback.

A simple way to do this is to say what you're feeling and what you'd like to happen. When we speak from our own perspective instead of blaming others, we communicate more effectively—and more respectfully.

For example, you could say:

“I feel disappointed by your behavior, and I’d really appreciate it if you tried to understand the situation instead of immediately blaming me.”

That way, you're standing up for yourself while also showing respect for the other person—and setting the tone for a better conversation. 😇