1. Repetition of childhood scenarios
Our first relationships with our parents shape our ideas about love and affection. If in childhood love was associated with coldness or unavailability, in adulthood we may unconsciously seek out similar partners, trying to “rewrite” the familiar scenario. ​
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2. Fear of intimacy
Choosing an unavailable partner can be a way to avoid real intimacy. Such a choice allows us to experience excitement and passion without the risk of being vulnerable in a real, deep relationship. ​
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3. Idealization and projection
Sometimes we project our ideals onto our partner, attributing to them qualities that they do not have. This can lead to disappointment when reality does not meet our expectations. ​
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4. Chemistry and dopamine
Attraction to unavailable people may be associated with the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter responsible for the feeling of pleasure. Expectation and uncertainty increase its production, creating a feeling of "chemistry" and attachment. ​
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How to change this pattern?

1. Mindfulness
Recognize your repetitive patterns in choosing partners. Think about what emotions and needs are behind this choice.​
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2. Working on self-esteem
Strengthening self-esteem helps to set healthy boundaries and choose partners who value and respect you. ​
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3. Reassessing values
Determine what is important to you in a relationship: trust, support, common goals. This will help you focus on compatibility, not fleeting attraction.​

4. Professional help
Seeing a psychologist or psychotherapist can help you understand the underlying reasons for your choices and develop strategies for building healthy relationships.​

Changing habitual patterns takes time and effort, but it is possible. A conscious approach to choosing a partner and working on yourself will help you build relationships that bring joy and satisfaction.