The illusion of values

When someone remains out of reach, our imagination begins to finish the missing details. We attribute features to this person, which he may not have. Inaccessibility makes the image mysterious and special. It seems that if he (or she) does not show interest, then he has something “tall”, “unusual”, “valuable”. So - we must win it.

This logic is a trap. We strive to get approval, as if its deficiency automatically makes it desirable. But the desire to be “chosen” often masks a simple need for self -affirmation.

Psychology of childhood

Sometimes the roots of this attraction go deeper - in children's relations with parents. For example, if love in the family came with the condition: “You will be good - you will get attention,” then in adulthood we unconsciously reach for those who require efforts. We are attracted not by love, but by the struggle for it. So a familiar, albeit painful, script is reproduced.

The more difficult it is to get love, the more familiar the process is felt. And although this does not bring happiness, such a “game of catch -up” may be the only format that a person knows since childhood.

Adrenaline dependence

Inaccessible people often cause us a storm of emotions. Waiting for an answer, anxiety, rare manifestations of attention - all this turns into emotional American slides. The paradox is that the process of waiting and uncertainty can cause the release of dopamine - a hormone associated with pleasure and dependence.

We unconsciously “sit down” on a sense of anxious expectation. And, even realizing that the relationship does not develop, we continue to experience a traction - not to a person, but to the emotions that he causes.

What to do with it?

Recognize that the craving for the inaccessible is not always about love. Sometimes - this is about ourselves, our wounds, expectations, fears. Ask myself honest questions: I need this particular person - or is it important for me to be necessary? I want this relationship - or I do not want to lose?

Sometimes just stop idealizing. To see not a projection, but a real person - with his advantages, minuses and disinterest. This cuts down and returns to reality.

The desire for those who do not choose us does not make us weak. It makes us alive. But it is important to distinguish a real feeling from the desire to fill the inner void. After all, love is not a pursuit of unattainable, but a meeting of two who chose each other. Without struggle, but with a sincere mutual desire to be near.