God for me is not a cage, but air. I don't feel like He puts me in a corner for every breath. On the contrary, it's as if He helps me breathe. Faith is not only about obedience. It's also about freedom. Only not the kind that screams "do what you want", but the kind that whispers "do what's really important". And you suddenly begin to understand yourself. Sometimes with pain, sometimes with a sparkle, sometimes with a smile through tears. But this is your path. And God is near.

I'm not twenty. I've already regretted things that I didn't even think about then. And to love the wrong people, and to say “no” when I wanted “yes”, and vice versa. I sinned, and laughed, and cried in the kitchen at three in the morning – like everyone else. I don’t know if you can call these “wild” actions – but certainly not a monastic life. A sinner? Of course. Like any person. And this doesn’t change the fact that I pray. And that I ask for forgiveness. And that at some point I feel how my chest becomes lighter – as if you were hugged.

You know, I noticed that faith teaches us not only to forgive others, but also ourselves. This is more difficult. We rarely give ourselves the right to be weak. But God doesn’t ask us to be perfect. Only real.

I had a story when I was 27, a little stupid, but I remember it. One guy once said: “You’re probably a saint. You’ll probably be bored with me.” And I stood there, looking at him, and didn’t know whether to laugh or hug. Because I'm not a saint. I'm a woman. With character, with feelings, with a fire inside, with faith, yes, but also with living flesh. I can fall in love in the wrong place. I can flare up. I can hug tightly. I can stay up all night. I'm interested in living.

I believe - and I feel. I can go to confession with a trembling voice, and then ride home on a bike dressed only in a dress, disheveled, happy, as if the world was possible again. I can get angry when it's unfair. I can drink wine with friends and dance until my legs hurt. And I can sit in silence at morning mass, watching the light glide across the icons. All this is me.

And if you're reading this, perhaps you're familiar with that duality that's so hard to explain - you're not in the very center of the light, but you're not in the darkness either. You're just a person. Sometimes noble, sometimes selfish. Sometimes infinitely generous, and sometimes you just want to be pitied. Faith does not take this away, it only helps you live it more deeply.

The Catholic tradition is close to me. This quiet beauty of the liturgy, the feeling of home in the temple, when you enter - and the heart calms down. This is not about control, not about prohibitions. This is about "be in love". Love is not always tender. Sometimes it requires a choice. Sometimes - to say "no" to what is tempting, but destructive. Sometimes - to take a risk. Sometimes - to stay. And all this can be faith.

I am not one of those who will judge. Because I know how much imperfection is in me. I am not looking for the "right" or the "perfect". I am interested in the living, the real. With experience, with scars, with something important inside.

And you know - you really are not alone. Am I the only one?

Lana Banana.