Why are we idealizing?

Loveness is often associated not only with another person, but also with our internal needs. We are looking for in the partner what we want to find in ourselves or in our life: support, safety, inspiration, acceptance. And if someone at least partially reflects these expectations, our imagination instantly completes the rest. We “see” the best qualities in a person, based not on reality, but on our hope.

Idealization is protection. It helps to avoid fear of loneliness, uncertainty, past injuries. We create an image that is convenient to love, and in which you want to believe. But reality sooner or later comes into its own.

Why is it dangerous?

The biggest problem is that by idealizing, we cease to truly see a person. His real emotions, habits, weaknesses. We can ignore “alarming calls”, justify undesirable behavior or even adapt to the illusion.

When the partner begins to behave in the same way as we expected, a wave of disappointment covers us. It seems that a person has changed, although in fact he simply ceased to correspond to our imaginary image.
How to understand that this is happening?

There are several signs:

-We feel too quickly a strong affection.
-We do not notice or ignore the flaws.
-Often we catch ourselves on thoughts like "He/she will become different when ..."
-Feel the alarm when reality does not coincide with our expectations.

This does not necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed. But this is a signal that it is worth stopping and asking myself the question: who I love - his/her or what I imagine him/her?

What to do with it?

The most important thing is awareness. Allow yourself to see a person without filters. Listen, observe, do not rush with conclusions. Give a place not only to ideal moments, but also to imperfection. Indeed, in real proximity - not in masks, but in vulnerability, in truth, in the adoption of each other as we are.

Love is not worship of the ideal, but the desire to understand the real person and be understood in response. And it is such love that has a chance to grow into something durable and deep.