Memory is not an enemy, but not an ally

The past lives in us. We cannot turn off the memories, especially if those relations were bright, painful or lasted for a long time. We remember not only events, but also sensations, the style of communication, the rhythm of relations. And all this becomes a measure by which we evaluate new feelings. Unconsciously. Automatically. But it is this comparison that can poison fresh attachment, which has not yet had time to grow.

Why are we comparing?

Because we are looking for a familiar. So the brain is arranged: he checks everything new for "it looks like - it does not look." And if the past experience was warm, we are looking for a similar one. And if traumatic - we are alarming at every hint of “repetition”. This is a kind of protection. But the problem is that reality is different. And the man in front of us is different. He should neither correspond nor “correct” the mistakes of the former.

When a comparison becomes dangerous

Comparing, we deprive the new relationship of the chance to be unique. We begin to demand “as it was”, instead of noticing that “there is now”. And sometimes - unconsciously revenge for old grievances. Or we are trying to “finish” a story in which something did not work out. It is difficult for a new partner to withstand the load of other people's shadows. And sooner or later this leads to removal.

How to let go of the past and be here and now

Firstly, admit that you compare is normal. This does not make you bad. The main thing is not to allow these comparisons to manage behavior. Secondly, every time I want to compare, ask yourself: “What do I really feel next to this person?” And thirdly-thank for the past, but not live in it. Because love does not happen when the previous feelings are forgotten, but when there is a place for new ones.

Past partners are part of our experience. But if we want to build something real, we need to stop looking for similarities and start noting the value of the excesses. After all, real proximity is not a repetition of the old, but the creation of something that was not there before. Attentively. In a new way. And with an open heart.