I'm always surprised when people say that you need to "play" in love, like some kind of complicated game. For me, love is not a game at all. It's something alive, noisy, unpredictable and very simple at the same time.

I watched others, watched how they made acquaintances, how they behaved in relationships. It seemed that everyone had their own code, their own set of rules by which they followed. And I... I just can't do that. I can't pretend that everything is under control, when in fact there is a storm inside. I can't smile when I don't want to, I can't hide my thoughts, I can't pretend.

It may sound stupid, but I always thought that love is about sincerity. About being yourself, even if it is sometimes scary and uncomfortable. And yes, this means that sometimes I am vulnerable, sometimes I scare people with my frankness, sometimes I am alone. But I choose this because I simply do not know how to do anything else.

It often seems to me that there are too many masks and roles in the world. And sometimes it seems that everyone around me knows some secret rules, and I am the only one who does not know. That everyone knows how to play love, but I do not. And, perhaps, it is this feeling that makes me feel lonely. Because next to me there are people who seem to be always one step ahead, who know how to hide their true feelings, who seem to always play some kind of game of their own.

But I do not want to play. I just want to be. And this is both a joy and a challenge. I do not know how to manipulate feelings, I do not know how to create intrigue, I do not know how to remain silent longer when everything is boiling inside. And, frankly speaking, this is sometimes scary. Because to be real means to be vulnerable. To be open. To be as you are seen, without filters and embellishments.

And yes, I know that sometimes it scares people off. Some are simply not ready for such honesty, such openness. They are looking for someone who will be convenient, who will meet expectations, who will play by the rules. But I am not like that. I am always like this - simple and complex at the same time. With a lot of emotions and sometimes with confusing thoughts, but sincere.

Sometimes I think that if I knew how to play, it would be easier. It would be easier to start a relationship, easier to maintain it, easier not to be afraid of rejections and insults. But, on the other hand, not knowing how to play, I know for sure that everything I have is real. Real feelings, real experiences, the real me. And maybe this is more important than all the rules and games.

I wonder, what do you think? Is it possible to control feelings at all or is love just a constant movement towards each other, without guarantees and scenarios?

It seems to me that in love it is impossible to always be sure, to always know what is right and what is not. Sometimes you just have to go, take risks, make mistakes and try again. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's painful, but without it there's no real way.

That's how I live - not knowing how to act, but trying to be honest with myself and with those around me. It's not always easy, sometimes it seems like it would be better to just hide behind a mask and not show real emotions. But I chose to be myself. And this is my way of loving.

Do you think that maybe this is where real strength lies - not in the ability to act, but in the ability to be yourself, no matter what?

I want to believe that it does.

Mari