Do something necessary, important, smart. Like cleaning, learning something, reading, improving myself. Even if I'm physically lying down - everything inside is buzzing, as if I'm not doing something, missing something. As if rest is procrastination, and not a normal state.

And now, in this period, when I'm often alone, without plans, without haste, without external noise - I'm starting to learn to be at peace. And it's... incredibly difficult.

At first, peace feels like emptiness. And it's scary. Because you're alone with yourself. Without distractions, without running around, without "I'm so busy, no time for thoughts." There are only YOU and YOUR head 🙃 And as it turns out, there is so much in it that it was easier not to listen.

But I am honestly learning. Not to run away, not to grab the phone, not to try to entertain myself or urgently "meaningfully" use time. Just be. Breathe. Make coffee and take your time. Sit and look out the window, just like that. Get into the bath without the goal of "relaxing", but because it feels good.

And here's what's interesting - when I stop fighting the silence, it stops being scary. It becomes cozy. Like a soft blanket. Like a hug that no one gives, but you give it to yourself.

Then you start hearing yourself. Not external voices, not other people's expectations, not to-do lists in your head. But yourself. What you feel, what you want, what pleases you. And it turns out that you can be happy not at the moment of a bright event, but just LIKE THIS. Because your soul is calm. Because you don’t have to go anywhere. Because everything is good.

And I notice how at this moment I don’t feel lonely. Because I am WITH MYSELF, and not AGAINST myself.

But let’s be honest, it’s harder than it seems. Especially if you’re alone. Especially if no one is pressing you, calling you, controlling you. Then it’s so easy to fall into anxiety, into thoughts, into self-flagellation. It’s so easy to turn on the hustle and bustle again and feel “normal”.

But I’m holding on. Not always perfectly, but I’m holding on. I make myself some tea, turn on an old playlist, sit on the windowsill and just LOOK. Not at anything in particular. Just looking. And breathing. And smiling. Because I’m learning. Not to work. Not to develop. But just to be 💛

Can you do that? Without a goal. Without benefit. Without plans. Just to be?

Mwah)