In life, I often get lost, get confused, smile inappropriately, start talking quickly or, on the contrary, fall silent. My head is a complete mess, but on the outside everything seems ok 😶‍🌫️

But when I write, everything becomes simpler. I can think, erase, rewrite. And sometimes, my fingers just run across the screen, as if someone inside me starts saying what I really feel. In writing, I joke, and flirt, and even admit to some stupid things that I wouldn't risk saying in real life 😅

It scares me a little. Because, well... does that mean that the "real me" is in the text? And the one who sits in a cafe with a cup of coffee and pretends that she is not afraid - is that just my social version? Or have I just not learned to be myself in real life yet?..

I am not very good at all this stuff - relationships, hints, who feels what. It seems to me that I miss everything 🙈 Or, on the contrary, I make it up. It is easier for me to write than to say. But at the same time - I want the present. Touches. Voices. Casual glances. Just... how to connect one self with another?..

I am afraid that the person who likes me in correspondence will meet me - and think "What happened to her?" 😬 And this feeling - that you kind of set yourself up by opening up in messages, and then don’t pull through in reality - it presses a little. As if I am deceiving, although it seems like I am not hiding anything.

Maybe I am just not used to myself yet? 🤷‍♀️ To my silence, to my nervousness, to my way of being in love. Yes, I can't laugh at jokes right away if I'm nervous. I can't always keep up the conversation if I'm looking at a person in person. But I can feel. And I think I'm very drawn to those who can feel it even between the lines 💌

I often think if someone could see the one who writes and just hug the one who is silent - then that would be me completely. Because I don't want to hide behind the screen. It's just like protection for now.

Have you ever had this? That you are better through letters than in person? Or is it just me who has such duality?..

Irinka