I'm not afraid of people. I know how to listen, talk, joke, flirt when I want 😉 But more and more often I catch myself on the fact that there is some kind of tension inside - as if the moment someone starts reaching out to me, I instinctively move away. Not because I didn't like him. But because I'm tired of opening up.

It used to be easier. Without armor, without lies. I could tell that I love strange music, that sometimes I cry when I see shampoo commercials, that I sleep with a teddy bear 🐻 And it wasn't "too much". And now - tell someone that you just want to be held by the hand, and you are already "sensitive" or "too deep." Or, on the contrary, you will hear "you are strong, you can handle it." Strong - yes. But for some reason, it is precisely because of this strength that it is increasingly difficult to become weak next to someone.

I also began to be afraid of this very closeness. Not physical. But when you really trust someone. Show your vulnerability. Not through tears and drama, but when you laugh as loudly as at home. When you are not playing. When you do not need to "keep face", do not need to impress. Just be. Real. And this is what is most scary.

Probably because with age you understand how EASILY you can be not chosen. Even if you are good. Even if you are honest. Even if you tried. People just leave. They just do not answer. They just get lost. And not because there is something wrong with you. Because the world has become somehow fast and blurry. No one is sure of anything, no one owes anything to anyone. Everyone feels everything, but keeps quiet. And here you are, like, an adult, interesting, smart. But lonely.

I'm not complaining. I feel great with myself. I can be happy without a partner. I have my favorite food, my favorite playlist, a cozy blanket, and my own evening dances around the apartment 💃 But sometimes I really want someone to come up and just say, "I feel calm with you. I want to be near you. Just like that." Without conditions. Without checks. Without analysis. Just because HERE IT IS - it coincided.

I don't want dates with questions like "where do you work, what are your goals?" but a conversation with your eyes. Laughing in a taxi. Drinking coffee on the go. Looking at a person and feeling, "I could have stayed here. For a long time. And not boring.

Maybe adulthood doesn't make us stronger, but just teaches caution? We are not getting stupid, we are just becoming... quieter. More reserved. We still dream, just not out loud. We still hope - but between the lines. And, perhaps, that is why such meetings, where you want to speak sincerely, have become a rarity. But if suddenly they happen - it is like a small miracle

Have you noticed yourself that you have become more afraid of intimacy than before? Or does it just seem that way to me?

Mari