Honestly, why is it so important? Why do we hide our expectations, pretend we don't care, when in fact it takes up a huge amount of space in our heads? Every time I wait for a message, even for half an hour, it's like a little drama. I check my phone again, looking for a sign, some kind of hint. And I seem to tell myself, "Don't worry about it, everyone is busy," but in reality, I'm seething inside!🔥

Why are we afraid to text first? Not because we don't want to, but because it seems that if you text first, you'll lose something important. As if someone will notice this “first” attempt of yours and decide that you are too frivolous or too desperate. And what’s even scarier is that you won’t be noticed at all.

You know, sometimes it seems to me that this is just a game with yourself. We set some invisible rules for ourselves: “Don’t write first,” “Wait until he takes the initiative,” “Don’t show what you want.” But who came up with these rules? Do they really help? Or is it just a mask to not look too vulnerable?

And sometimes it’s so lonely in this mask. You seem to want to be strong, independent, but inside there lives a little girl who just wants to hear: “I was thinking about you,” “I’m glad you wrote.” And this moment, who writes first, is as important to her as everything else in the world.

I notice that as soon as I tell myself “I don’t care who’s first,” it means that I really want him to write. And while I pretend that I don't care, everything is seething inside, and I wait. I wait so as not to seem intrusive, so as not to seem weak. But weakness is not about who wrote first. It's about how afraid we are to be ourselves.

Sometimes it seems that it is easier to pretend that it doesn't matter who wrote first than to admit to ourselves and others that it worries us and worries us very much. We are afraid that if we show our interest, we will not be understood, appreciated or, even worse, rejected. So we play the silent game, "let him write first", even when inside we want to take a step forward.

I guess this is such an eternal female mystery - to appear calm and independent, when inside there is a war between desire and fear. But why? Why is it so hard to just be honest and write first if you want? 🤷‍♀️

So I think - maybe I should just stop pretending that all this doesn't matter? Maybe you should accept yourself as you are — with this mixed sensitivity and desire to be noticed. After all, we are all people, and it is important for us to feel needed and significant.

And another thing that I can’t help but notice — this game of “who’s first” often speaks not about who is more independent or strong, but about who is more honest with themselves and with others. Because real strength is not being able to wait or keep silent, but being able to say what you want and not being afraid to be first.

So maybe it’s time to stop pretending? What do you think about this? Do you write first or do you wait for others to write to you? And does it really help or is it just tiring?

I’m waiting for your thoughts. 😊

Masha