But here's what nobody tells you about that advice: it's exhausting. It places the blame squarely on your shoulders. If I'm alone, it's because I'm looking too hard. If I'm alone, it's because I'm not relaxed enough. If I'm alone, it's clearly because of something I'm doing wrong. The implication is that relationships are rewards for the right behavior, for achieving some perfect balance of indifference and availability that apparently only enlightened women can master.
The weird part? I've tried the not-looking approach. I've focused on my career, my hobbies, my friends, my personal growth. And you know what happened? Nothing different. I still didn't meet anyone. But instead of feeling empowered by my achievements—the promotion, the new apartment, the yoga certification—I felt like I'd somehow failed at the one thing that apparently matters most. Because the subtext of that advice is clear: your accomplishments don't matter as much as finding love.
What really bothers me is how this phrase lets everyone off the hook. Nobody has to sit with the uncomfortable reality that sometimes relationships just don't happen, not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because the world is random and unpredictable and sometimes timing just sucks. It's easier to blame the single woman for trying too hard than to acknowledge that she might genuinely want partnership and still not have found it through no fault of her own.
I've decided to stop accepting this narrative. Not because I'm giving up on relationships—I'm not. But because I'm tired of feeling like my singleness is a personal failing, a sign that I'm doing something wrong. I'm doing something right. I'm living my life, building a career, maintaining friendships, growing as a person. The fact that I haven't met a compatible partner yet doesn't negate any of that. So here's my question: why do we insist on making a woman's lack of romantic relationship the measure of her worth? 🤔