I want to draw your attention to the fact that our psyche is structured in an amazing way: it is not looking for someone with whom we will be happy, but for someone who is familiar to us. Psychologists call this “attachment theory.” If in childhood we associated love with the need to deserve it or with constant anxiety, then in adulthood we subconsciously look for precisely these destructive emotions. I will share with you an important thought: the very spark that we mistake for great love is often only a signal that a new acquaintance fits perfectly into our old, traumatic scenario. We choose not a person, but a habitual feeling of pain or uncertainty, mistaking it for passion.

Chemistry or safety?

I often think about how we idealize the concept of “being in love.” In psychology, it is believed that a violent reaction at the first meeting is not always a good sign. True intimacy and deep feeling most often grow from a state of calm and security. I will share with you my vision: if on the first date in January you feel not butterflies in your stomach, but even interest and comfort, this is a much more promising foundation for the relationship. The psychology of warmth we talked about earlier teaches us to value reliability over emotional swings. Understanding this helps in the new year to look at candidates on dating apps not through the prism of bright flashes, but through the question: “Will I be able to trust this person when the hormones subside?”

Informed choice

I want to tell you that getting out of the vicious circle of unsuccessful relationships begins with awareness. This does not mean that you need to completely turn off your feelings and be guided only by dry psychological terms. I'll share an idea with you: try to analyze your past connections this month. What did these people have in common?

How did they make you feel? Once you notice a pattern, you will gain power over your choices. Love in the new year can be different if you allow yourself to move away from your usual patterns and pay attention to those who previously seemed “too calm” or “understandable” to you. Sometimes the greatest miracle in life is meeting a person with whom you don’t have to fight for love, but you can just live in it.