The illusion of control and self-worth

Why are we so drawn to “broken” people? The answer often lies in our own ego. The role of a rescuer gives a tremendous feeling of superiority and need. While you are busy solving other people's problems, finding a job for your partner, or listening to his endless complaints about the unfairness of life, you feel strong, stable and irreplaceable. This is a great way to escape from your own internal deficits: while the focus of attention is on “saving” another, you don’t have to worry about your life.

The Gratitude Trap

A rescuer often lives in anticipation of an invisible prize. We subconsciously believe: “If I make every effort now and get a person out of a crisis, he will be grateful to me forever and will never leave me.” But a relationship built on debt and gratitude is not a partnership. As soon as the “broken” partner is restored (if this happens at all), the role of the rescuer becomes a burden to him. He wants to move on, and you remain in the role of a parent who is no longer needed. Or, what happens more often, your partner simply gets used to being a “victim”, and your resources flow into a bottomless pit without the slightest return.

How to stop being a “rescue service”?

Healthy relationships are only possible between two adult, autonomous people. If from the very beginning of dating you feel that a person needs to “reach” to your level, help him cope with basic life tasks or treat his injuries - stop.

- Accept responsibility: Every adult is responsible for his own happiness and mental health. You are not a psychotherapist or a rehabilitation center.

- Change your focus: Ask yourself: “What is so boring or scary in my life right now that I would rather spend my time solving other people’s problems?”

Remember: you can fix a broken faucet, but not another person. True intimacy is born where two people share their strength, and do not try to close each other's own holes. Choose those you can walk with, not those you need to carry.