I want to tell you about how my mom taught me that you can get out of any uncomfortable situation.
I was seven years old, and for the first time I was invited to spend the night at a friend's house, I no longer remember her name. Before leaving, my mother said that if I feel uncomfortable about anything, for any reason, at any time, even in the middle of the night, I can call her.
She made herself very clear. She said that even if the girl's parents were already asleep, I would have to knock on their bedroom and ask permission to call. Even if it's too late, she allows me to call. If the girl's parents do not answer, then I can find the phone myself and call her.
Mom said she would come for me at any time.
On a visit, they began to tease me. This was definitely not due to the fact that I simply could not sleep, an uncomfortable situation arose for me. And I did what my mother told me.
The girl's mother tried to dissuade me. She said that it was already late, I replied that my mother did not care. She said I could lie on the couch. I replied that I wanted to go home. She said that I grieve her daughter. I replied that her daughter was rude to me.
I remember how I hold the phone and my mother answers the call. I said, "Hi Mom." She asked: "Do you want me to pick you up?" I said, "Yes, please." She said, "Ask your friend's mom to pack your things and put on your coat, I'll be there soon."
Mom appeared on the doorstep, dressed in pajamas and a coat. The girl's mother continued to apologize for my call. In response, my mother raised her hand and said: “There is no need to apologize for my daughter. I want her to know that she can leave at any time and I will be there at any time. "
The other girls crowded at the bedroom door, confused and silent. The girl's mother continued to apologize, she didn't seem to know what else to say after my mother asked her to stop doing it.
There were several other similar situations in my childhood. Mom put a lot of effort into teaching me how to build boundaries. One day she made me go and ask another girl for forgiveness in front of her parents.
I remember how she helped me find the right words so that I could quit my bad job.
I cannot say that I have always respected my boundaries and followed the voice of intuition. Sometimes I had to be silent so as not to cause discomfort to others. But I can say for sure that my mother's lessons were important.
But I often think about how my friend's mother apologized, and I realize that her behavior was normative. My mom taught me radical things. The girl's mother taught her to be normal: "Just don't pay attention, don't bother anyone, go to sleep, it will end soon, don't spoil anyone's mood." I often hear the same words now. But my mom said I could leave.
As an adult, I realized what a privilege it is. For some people, in some situations there really is no way out. But sometimes we don’t leave because we think we don’t have the right to do so.
So if no one has told you this (or have told you, but you need a reminder): YOU CAN LEAVE.
You can leave work, a party, a date, a meeting, or refuse a promise. You have the right.