The 7 Golden Rules of Keeping Married

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We live in an interesting age, every day new formulas of happiness are produced. Happiness is sought everywhere. In meditations, life coaches, psychics, coffee cups, drinking glasses, even Tibet. As the formula increases, the rates of unhappiness also increase, because despair increases because not every new formula is a solution to misery. However, apart from working and producing, the other thing that gives people happiness, namely love and being loved, is ignored. The most indisputable feature that comes from the nature of man is the need to love-be loved and to be attached. The safest and socially accepted reflection of this is marriage. While looking for happiness everywhere, one of every two marriages ends in divorce. It is an interesting age. People do not see the source of happiness in their hands or spend so easily and then start searching. So if so, is there a way to use this resource correctly? Therapists have been thinking about this for years. Because happy children grow up in happy families, healthy and happy marriages are the foundation of a healthy society and a better world.

Happy marriages contribute to the health of the people themselves. According to research, happy couples have longer and healthier lives than divorced or unhappy couples. A good marriage has been shown to strengthen the immune system. In unhappy marriages, people are exposed to the chronic drive of stress hormones as they feel stressed both physically and emotionally. This causes many physical ailments, especially cardiovascular diseases, as well as mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, which can lead to suicide.

So what makes the marriage work, or rather, what keeps it going? Are happy couples smarter, richer, or stronger than others? Answer is no. Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman searched for the answers to these questions through over 35 years of research and observations, and in essence reached a simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. What is meant by this is mutual respect and the joy of accompanying each other. These couples usually get to know each other closely and are familiar with each other's likes and dislikes, personality flaws, hopes and dreams. They always think of each other and express this fondness often on small occasions, not big ones. Happy couples have found a balance in their daily lives where their positive feelings and thoughts about each other outweigh the negative feelings and thoughts (normally present in all couples) about each other. Their ability to understand each other and to value each other and their marriage is higher than unhappy couples. However, it should not be inferred from this that these happy marriages are perfect togetherness. Some couples who say they are satisfied with each other may also differ significantly from each other in terms of temperament, interests, and family values. Just like unhappy couples, they can argue about financial matters, work, children, housekeeping, sexuality, and relatives. Most conflicts cannot be resolved in marriages. Unhappy couples fight for years to change each other's minds. However, this is not possible. Because most conflicts have fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values. Fighting over these differences only wastes time and damages marriages. However, this does not mean that we cannot do anything if there is conflict in the relationship. To resolve the conflict, instead of arguing over and over, it is necessary to understand the fundamental difference that causes the conflict, and learn to live with that difference by valuing and respecting each other. This is one of the secrets of happy couples. To guide couples who are currently married or planning to get married, let's list the seven principles for happy marriage:
1. Be intimately involved with each other's world.
Happy couples devote a large amount of space in their brains to the life of their spouse. They remember important events from each other's past and update their knowledge as events and feelings in their partner's world change. They know about each other's goals, concerns, hopes. Power is hidden in knowledge. Knowledge arises not only from love but also the power to pacify the storms in marriage. Couples with detailed knowledge of each other's world are better prepared to deal with stressful events and conflict.

2. Develop your love and admiration.
Love and admiration are the most important elements of a happy and long-lasting relationship. Happy couples feel that the person they're married to is respectable, even though their spouse's personality flaws may sometimes have the urge to take care of other things. It is not complicated to stimulate or increase love and admiration. Even long-buried positive feelings can be revealed only by thinking and talking. By focusing on the beginning of the relationship and the good times, the positive traits of your partner, you can bring out the often emaciated positive emotions.

3. Zoom in instead of zooming out.
You can connect and get closer to each other in your daily life. The dialogues in the love scenes of the movies are not needed to portray love. In real life, love is ignited by a much more casual connection approach. It is kept alive as long as you let your spouse know that you care about him in daily life. For example, it grows when you take half a minute from your own work day to send an encouraging message, knowing that your partner is having a bad day at work. Married people regularly make some kind of invitation for their spouse's attention, love, sense of humor and support. After this invitation, they either get closer to each other or move away. Make good use of these invitations to get closer. Because intimacy, emotional connection, love, passion, and the foundation of a good sex life.

4. Let your partner influence you.
When couples make decisions about themselves, taking into account each other's views and feelings strengthens the relationship in the long run. The data show that women have already done this. This is not the case with men. Although men are not advised to give up their personal powers and leave the management of their lives to their wives, the happiest and most balanced marriages in the long run are those in which the man treats his wife with respect and does not resist sharing power and making decisions together.
5. Solve your resolvable problems.
If the husband and wife are respectful to each other and open to the other person's point of view, they have a good basis for handling any differences that will arise. But they still often lose their way while trying to persuade each other or resolve disputes. The way to resolve this is to learn a new approach to conflict resolution. The most important step is how the existing problem is brought forward. a. Soften your initial speech, b. Learn to make repair attempts and accept arrivals, c. Soothe yourself and each other, d. Compromise, e. Be tolerant of each other's mistakes.
Eighty percent of women bring out the problem in a relationship. Men often tend to avoid. The main thing here is how the woman brought up the problem and the most important stage of this is whether she started softly or not. Because discussions always end in the air they started.

6. Overcome the deadlock.
In marriages, you may feel helplessly locked in a problem that cannot be solved. Under the issue that caused the lock-on, there is usually a dream of the other person. So this situation is about him, not you. When you find out what the subject means in your spouse's inner world; While locked-in conflict will likely always be a permanent issue in your marriage, one day you can talk about it without hurting each other. You can learn to live with the problem.

7. Create common meaning.
Marriage is not just about raising children, sharing chores and making love. There is also a spiritual dimension related to creating an inner life together. In other words, it is a dimension where you have roles and goals that connect you with a rich culture with symbols and rituals and enable you to understand the meaning of being a part of the family you established. Every couple and every family creates its own microculture. Like other cultures, these small units have their customs (like going out to dinner on Saturday evenings), rituals (like out-of-town excursions when the car is changed). Developing a culture does not mean that the couple agree on all aspects of their life philosophy. Instead, there is an overlap. The culture they developed together includes the dreams of both. This culture is flexible enough to change as the husband and wife grow and develop. If there is a common sense of meaning in the marriage, the conflict will not be so violent and permanent problems do not lead to deadlocks.