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I am not one of those who cling to a relationship for the sake of appearances. I am not afraid of loneliness - it taught me to be strong, to take care of myself, to make decisions, to pay bills and carry heavy bags without complaining. But the further I go, the more clearly I understand: there is a difference between loneliness as a choice and loneliness as a shadow that hides in every corner of the apartment.
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When a man is near - a real one, not in status, but in essence - everything around seems to become softer. Not because he decides everything for you, no. It's just that the world stops being so prickly. It becomes simpler.
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It's easier to wake up when someone is breathing next to you, warm, sleepy, a little disheveled. The morning doesn't seem cold anymore, even if there's snow outside.
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It's easier to come home when you know you're expected. Not just physically - you're expected as a person, with all your difficulties, habits, your "I'm not having a good day today."
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It's easier to talk about the future when it's no longer just your area of responsibility. When you can say "let's do it together," and it doesn't scare you, but rather calms you down.
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When a man is nearby, even the hardest days don't break you. Because there's a shoulder. Not in a figurative sense, but in the most literal sense - one that you can lean on without explaining everything from beginning to end.
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And that's where the main magic lies. Not in romance, not in loud gestures, not in fairy tales. And in the feeling that you are not alone in this huge, noisy, often indifferent world.
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And when you are alone... You cope too. But as if you are always in combat mode. Even rest is part of a survival strategy. A smile is like a mask. Calmness is a developed skill, not a state.
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I am not looking for a savior. I do not need someone to "save me from myself." But sometimes I just want to be a girl. Not a heroine, not independent and strong, but an ordinary one - with disheveled thoughts, with tired eyes, with a desire to just cuddle and shut up.
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When a man is nearby, and he does not demand, does not judge, does not remake - you seem to return to yourself. To that version of yourself that you have long hidden under layers of "must", "should", "I can handle it myself".
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Sometimes I catch myself thinking, what if this is an illusion? What if all this is just fatigue, and I am romanticizing a banal need for warmth?
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But then I see couples, not ideal, but real. On the subway. In the store. He takes the bag from her hands. She straightens the collar of his jacket. He silently holds her hand. And I understand - no, it is not an illusion. It is just life, when there is someone nearby.
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And I am not ashamed of this desire. To be not alone. Not for the sake of status. But for the feeling: when a man is nearby - the world really becomes simpler.
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And calmer.
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And quieter inside.
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Nata