And everything seems fine. Even good. Only... more and more often I don't feel beautiful. Not that I'm downright ugly - it's just like this story isn't about me at all.

I have a spirit. I have a character. I have some kind of humor. I know how to be interesting, I know how to listen, and I find a common language even with difficult people. I don't need confirmation that I'm "normal".
But beautiful?..

🤔 What makes a woman beautiful anyway? Not her eyelashes or her lips - I realized that a long time ago. Beauty is more about the state, about how you walk, how you look, how you feel in your own body.
And I am almost always tense. I think, I decide, I cope, I keep the bar.

Maybe that is why I do not feel beautiful - because I forget to be easy. I do not have this "I just LIVE" in my life, without "must", "should", "don't forget". It is as if I have become functional. Like a reliable suitcase: it does not forget anything, fits into the luggage compartment, does not break. Comfortable.

And being beautiful is not about convenience. It is when you walk and know: you are not ordinary. You are a thrill. You are a look out the window, from which you cannot tear yourself away.

And I so want to wake up someday and feel this. Not because of other people's words, not because someone "approved". And simply because there will be this light, warm feeling inside: I am. I am like this. I like myself.

🌸 Maybe this is the way - to learn to be beautiful for yourself. Not to wait for someone to see, but just to take and allow yourself to feel.
But I'm still just learning. And you know... it's not as easy as it seems.

Natasha