If I want to be with people, shouldn't I be okay with them knowing me? But it doesn't work that way. There's this part of me that wants company and conversation and people around, and then there's another part that gets panicky when someone gets too close to understanding what's actually going on inside my head. 💭

Sometimes I imagine someone really seeing me—not just the version I show at school or when I'm trying to seem normal, but the real confused mess of how I actually think. And I wonder if they'd think I was weird or immature or too much. Like, what if they realized how many times a day I replay conversations? What if they knew how much I overthink the smallest things? What if they found out how many doubts I have about, well, everything? 😟

I keep people at a comfortable distance without meaning to. I talk a lot, so people think I'm open, but I'm actually pretty careful about what I let them know. I share small things that seem personal but aren't really, stories that make me seem vulnerable but actually keep me safe. It's like I'm showing someone a photo of myself instead of letting them actually see me. 🎭

But being alone is its own kind of scary. When there's nobody around, my mind gets loud. All those doubts I mentioned—they get bigger without other people to distract me. I think about the future or about things I've said or about whether I matter and it feels heavy. So I seek out people, but then I panic about letting them know what they'd be dealing with if they really got close. Is that just how everyone feels, or am I uniquely messed up? 💔