I have this friend - well I guess I should say I HAD this friend because I'm honestly not sure what we are anymore - and we used to talk every single day. About everything. Random stuff, important stuff, silly stuff, deep stuff. We had our own inside jokes and we'd send each other songs and we just got each other, you know? 💭

But then something shifted and I can't even pinpoint when. Maybe it was gradual? Like she started taking longer to reply to my messages. Then she started leaving me on read sometimes. Then she'd make plans with other people on days we usually hung out together. And each time I tried to bring it up she'd say everything was fine and I was overthinking and she was just busy which okay maybe that's true but it doesn't FEEL true 😔

The worst part is I keep replaying everything in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong. Did I say something that upset her? Was I too clingy? Too boring? Too much of something or not enough of something else? And the not knowing is honestly killing me because at least if I knew what I did I could apologize or fix it or at least understand why this is happening 💔

I see her posting pictures with other friends and they all look so happy and I'm just sitting here like... was I not good enough? Was our friendship not real? Because it felt real to me. It felt important. And now I feel stupid for thinking it meant as much to her as it meant to me ✨

My mom says that sometimes people just grow apart and it's not anyone's fault and that's just how life works. But that doesn't make it hurt less?? Like okay cool people grow apart I get that conceptually but when you're the one being grown apart FROM it feels really personal and really painful and really confusing 😢

I don't know if I should reach out again or if I should just accept that this friendship is over or whatever it is. Part of me wants to fight for it because it mattered to me. But another part of me is tired of being the only one trying. Of sending three messages for every one I get back. Of suggesting plans that never happen. Of caring more than the other person seems to care 🤷‍♀️

Is it normal to grieve a friendship that's not even officially over? Because that's what this feels like. Like mourning something that's dying slowly instead of ending cleanly. And I wish it would just end properly so I could at least move on instead of being stuck in this weird limbo where we're not really friends anymore but we're not NOT friends either 💫

I just don't understand how someone can go from being such a big part of your life to basically a stranger and act like that's normal. Like the history doesn't matter. Like all those conversations and memories and moments just evaporate and we're supposed to be okay with that? 🌸

Maybe I invest too much in people. Maybe I care too intensely. Maybe I need to learn how to keep things more casual so it doesn't hurt this much when they end. But I don't know how to do that without changing who I fundamentally am and I'm not sure I want to change that part of myself even if it would protect me from feeling like this 💭

Do other people feel this way about friendships or is it just me being overly sensitive again? How do you know when to keep trying and when to let go? And how do you stop missing someone who's made it clear they don't really miss you back? 😞

I guess I just wish someone had prepared me for how complicated and painful friendships could be. Everyone talks about romantic heartbreak but nobody really talks about friend breakups and honestly sometimes those hurt even more because at least with romantic stuff there's usually a clear ending point. With friendships it's just this slow fade and you're left wondering if you're imagining things or if it's real and when exactly it became okay to just stop caring about each other 🌙

Anyway I'm probably overthinking all of this like usual but I needed to write it out because it's been sitting heavy on my chest for weeks now and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it which is kind of ironic when the whole problem is about not having the friend I used to talk to about everything ✨

Natusya